 |
|
I for one can appreciate the finer points of awkward moments. It’s like fine wine that you swirl around in your mouth. You pretend to focus on the complexity of the robust undertones, but in reality you’re just looking to get hammered and five hours later you wake up in Kansas and you’ve lost your pants, wallet, and dignity. But I digress. Awkward situations are easily sensed and can be broken down. Let’s analyze a standard awkward moment (this will more than likely make no sense, but you’ve been warned):
There’s the initial uneasiness and slight tension. After that, you quickly try to make eye contact with a friend to acknowledge the awkwardness of the moment. For the most part everyone has their own clique within the larger clique solely for the purpose of distinguishing awkward moments. They’re your special awkwardness acknowledgement buddies. Once eye contact is made with your designated awkwardness acknowledgement buddy, one person initiates by giving the “what the fuck just happened" look, and to confirm your buddy replies with the “I have no idea but it was pretty damn awkward” nod. Now that you’ve both established that you’re not socially inept and complied to the strict rules of an awkward situation, tension and uneasiness are relieved and you can begin to scan to see which of your supposed friends has yet to adhere with the awkwardness acknowledgement protocol. Once these so called friends are identified, you reconvene with your buddy and give each other the “why the fuck do we hang out with these people” shrug (sometimes this is done under false pretenses. An often overlooked variable is the number of friends in the group. If you have an odd number of people in the group, chances are there will be a straggler. A straggler knows the procedure, they just failed to find a buddy and was left the odd man out. They usually stare at their shoes with an “I hate my life” posture. Don’t judge stragglers, take pity on them). Now that you’ve completed the necessary tasks, you can now bask in your superiority for quickly and efficiently neutralizing the situation.
It may seem drawn out, but the whole process lasts between 3-5 seconds and is second nature to most people. The one thing I can’t figure out is do awkward people know they’re awkward? I’m not talking about awkward moments, since we are all inadvertently responsible for a few, be it a failed punch line, a quarrel with a loved one in public, or soiling yourself at a funeral. I’m talking about awkward people, people whose mere presence disrupts the standard flow of social interaction. You’re usually around these people against your will. They come in many shapes and forms: A gabby old man that smells like horse piss sits next to you on the bus, a fat waitress at Pizza Hut thinks she’s funny and won't shut her minimum wage mouth, or someone who wishes you a Happy New Years on January fucking 5th (I’m okay with the 2 maybe even 3 day belated Happy New Years, but for fuck’s sake the year isn’t new anymore. I was having a happy new year until you made me realize I’m around the same ass wipes I was around last year.) Next time I run into an awkward person, I’ll be sure to ask them if they know just how awkward they are, which will probably lead to an awkward moment but I’m not concerned, I know how to handle myself…