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You know what I can’t wait for? I can’t wait to sit back, relax, and watch all those Bowl games. There’s the Meineke Car Care Bowl, the Chick-fil-A Bowl, the PapaJohns.com Bowl, and the Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl. I wish I were making those up, but they are all legitimate Bowl games.
There are 32 Bowl games in all, and all but 5 are pointless. I was under the impression that the whole point of competition is to reward superior teams and ridicule the shitty ones. Instead we create this 3rd grade like atmosphere where there are no losers, only winners. No stupid, there are losers, and if you’re a loser you shouldn’t get a chance to feel good. You should sit at home and sulk in your suckiness and watch good teams play. To the victor go the spoils.
And why does every little dip shit company sponsor these games? Is it their idea of good marketing? Am I supposed to feel the strange urge to get my muffler repaired at Meineke after watching the Car Care Bowl? Here’s a better marketing strategy, don’t name your company Gaylord Hotels.
If we’re going to have a plethora of these corporate sponsored Bowls, at least have some fun with it. Incorporate your product in a creative way, and why stick to college football, let’s integrate different leagues and sports. Here are a few suggestions:
The Dane Cook Bowl:
Notre Dame Football vs. Duke Basketball
The only thing more over rated than Dane Cook are these 2 teams. Since this Bowl game is against two teams that play different sports, it would only be fair to choose a neutral game. I would suggest a rape-off but I think Duke has too much experience. Instead I suggest that the winner should not be determined on the field or on the court. The team that drops the furthest from their absurdly high pre-season ranking wins. This is probably the only chance Notre Dame has of winning a Bowl game this century. Way to go Charlie, you did it!
The Metamucil “Constipated” Bowl:
West Virginia vs. Missouri
The way things are shaping up, this will end up being the National Championship. I say the BCS Championship this year should be sponsored by Metamucil and be deemed the “Constipation” Bowl, because like constipation, no one gives a shit about who wins.
The State Penitentiary Bowl:
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Miami Hurricanes
Wouldn’t it be great if high stakes were involved in a Bowl game? How about this, the losing team gets sent to the state penitentiary for a year. Let’s be real, we’re talking about the Hurricanes and the Bengals here, they’ll more than likely end up there anyways, at least this way it’ll be entertaining.
The Summer’s Eve “Douche Bag” Bowl:
Barry Bonds vs. Rudy Giuliani
Fuck Barry… and Fuck Giuliani…
The Hooked On Phonics Hyper-Bowl-E:
So Hungry I Could Eat a Horse vs. I’ve Heard That a Million Times
Damn… Even I think that one was lame.