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We’ve had a lot of good times. I see you here late nights at Purdue, you were with me when I went to Cancun, and you always accompany me on my many trips to U of I. I’ve known you since high school, remember the night we met? I will always cherish our friendship, but there are some things that you need to know. Hopefully this will not affect our friendship, but I need to get some things off of my chest.
For starters Drunk Karim, you spit a lot. I’m not talking about a gentle mist on a breezy autumn day either, it almost seems as if you have a hidden agenda, and that is to drench the person who has to sit and listen to you ramble on. People are tempted to build an arc and find two of every animal when they converse with you. If the lighting is just right, you and whoever you are talking to will even see your saliva glisten in the air, and the other person will subtlety acknowledge it by saying “I wish I had an umbrella, because you fucking spit when you talk you drunk piece of shit.”
You have a false sense of coherency. You have trouble saying even the simplest of phrases like “Hello officer, what seems to be the problem?” It throws off the timing of the impeccable wit that you think you have. It doesn’t matter how clever your retort is, if you can’t pronounce “rancid cunt” eloquently, chances are your joke will fall flat, and often times they do.
Stop telling everyone you love them. You don’t really love anyone, people disgust you. Your job is to silently look at everyone disapprovingly with your arms crossed. Love is an emotion that should not be expressed by a drunken idiot. While we’re at it, the high fives need to end too. No one high fives anymore, grow up. You’re not as cool as you think. That one seemed harsh, but I’m telling you because I care.
It hurts me to say this, because I respect you so much. You’ve been there for me, good times and bad. I would not have been able to do a lot of the things I’ve done had you not been there by my side. You have so much potential Drunk Karim, you just need to work on some things. It’s not all bad, you have a lot of good qualities. You help me stroke my needlessly excessive ego, you make me believe I have rhythm, but most importantly you understand that the idiom “go big or go home” doesn’t apply to women. Hopefully things won’t be awkward between us. You still mean a lot to me, you know that right?
Sincerely,
Sober Karim
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Deer Sober Karim,
FcUK youu, fag!!1!
Sinseerlee,
Drnk Kariim
pee es
I luv yoU.