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I don’t think I’ve shared this story with a lot of people because even I think that what I did was ridiculously lame, but this took place during seventh grade and I think that eight years later I can finally live this down.
During the summer between sixth and seventh grade I got addicted to this website called neopets.com. Don’t copy and paste it into your browser, it still exists, it was gay then and it’s just as gay now. The idea behind this website is you have your own virtual pet. You train it, build it up, fight other pets, so on and so forth, very manly and heterosexual stuff. It was a virtual world, you had a store where you could sell items, you had to work to get money (and by work I mean play games), they even had fucking weather reports. Surprisingly, their imaginary world mimicked the hierarchy of real life. There were clear cut social classes. There was the lower class, people living in the projects, smoking crack, shunned by society unless MTV needs thirty minutes of raunchy television. There was the middle class, the class that I was in, people working hard everyday, not living beyond their means but still enjoying life. Then there was the upper class, their wealth was unfathomable, they possessed the rarest of items and drank expensive wine while fucking playmates on their yachts. They were living the high life. I was young, idealistic, and evil. I was determined to climb the ranks and become the richest person in Neopia (that’s what the world was called… don’t judge me).
If you got through that paragraph without deleting me as a friend on Facebook then hopefully I can save some face by telling you how I became the Pablo Escobar of this fruity world. I was a crafty kid and hatched this clever little scheme. Even at that age I had a pretty good grasp on html and was able to copy the front page of the site and alter it slightly. I changed the login field so instead of actually logging someone in, it sent their user name and password to my email address. I hosted this altered site on a geocities account, all I had to do was get gullible kids to go to my altered site instead of the real site.
Like I mentioned, every citizen of Neopia had a store where they could sell items. The store could be edited the same way MySpace can, you can just copy and paste html codes on to it. Being the conniving son of a bitch I was, I edited my store to make it appear as if I had a really rare and sought after item for sale at a relatively cheap price, but instead of letting someone purchase the item (I believe it was a green fairy…) they got sent to my altered site. I topped it off with a “sorry you’ve been logged off” message. I even went as far as legitimately selling rare items to spike the traffic to my store. Kids would flock to my store and would eventually click on the green fairy. You can’t make this shit up people.
The next day I awoke to find twenty new messages in my inbox. I began to rape and pillage people’s accounts, stealing their rare items and Neopoints (which was the currency in Neopia). I would even revisit accounts on occasion to steal anything they had acquired since I had originally stolen all their worldly possessions. For the next two months I wreaked havoc on the peaceful nation of Neopia. Like The Great Gatsby I had to keep quiet on how I amassed my wealth, I was very secretive when I dabbled with the upper class. I had it all, fortune, fame, bitches, and respect. This story unfortunately doesn’t have a happy ending, because I didn’t quit while I was ahead. My greed got the better of me, and despite being in the public’s eye I continued to run my cartel. It took two months for the admins of the site to catch on to what I was doing, but they finally disabled my account. I suffered a demise similar to Al Capone, Tony Montana, George Jung, and my source of inspiration, Pablo Escobar. My Medellin collapsed as well, but I learned a valuable lesson. Evil never prevails, but it's fun and the route I’ll probably take in life.