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I normally don’t like posting about stories that have happened a while ago, because I assume that the people that read this are people that know me, and if you know me you’ve heard every single anecdote I have multiple times. However, I was looking at the stats for this website and found out I was getting hits from places I didn’t even know had electricity yet: Jordan, Latvia, Singapore, Nebraska, and other strange and obscure places. So this one is for all the readers who don’t know me and probably don’t even speak English (I’m talking about you Nebraska).
It was Spring of 2007. It was a beautiful Sunday morning, the sun was out, the birds were chirping, I was expecting to see kittens and lollipops rain from the sky. I didn’t have a care in the world, no homework, no responsibilities, nothing to do but relax. I did however smell a bit funky, it was a combination of vodka, cheap beer, and sin, the typical Sunday morning aroma. I wasn’t fond of the “old lady playing the slot machines in Atlantic City” musk, so I decided to take a shower. That was the most work I was planning on doing that day, and I wanted to get it out of the way. I returned to my desk, freshly scrubbed mind you, to find a note. The note was barely legible because it was written by my fucktard roommate Sam, but I clearly saw “call the cops back” in the midst of his chicken scratch.
Now I’m not an outlaw by any means, I’m barely even a man (I still wet my bed if I drink too much apple juice), but I do a lot of shit that could land me in jail. It’s not like I have a meth lab in my basement, not a good one anyways, but I had reason to be worried. I immediately began cataloging every event in my life that could be seen as un-lawful and started coming up with alibis. “No officer, I was not smoking marijuana on March 6th, I was reading to deaf kids... the book had pictures.” Once I realized I couldn’t afford a plane ticket to Mexico, I threw in the towel and called the police department:
Me: “Yeah ummm, I got a call from you guys.”
Cop: “Oh is this Karim?”
Me: “Depends… am I in trouble?”
Cop: “No, we’re calling because we just got a report that your car is on fire.”
Me: “Man I thought I was in trouble… wait what?”
Cop: “Yeah your car caught on fire, the fire department is on the scene, you should get out there as soon as you can.”
Me: “This is a joke right?”
Cop: “No sir.”
Me: “No seriously, quit playing, who is this?”
Cop: “Sir this is not a joke, please go to your car as soon as possible.”
Me: “Where did I park?”
Cop: “You don’t remember where you parked?”
Me: “No I remember, I want to make sure this isn’t a prank.”
Cop: “Did you park on First and Waldron?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Cop: “Do you drive a green Hyundai Sonata?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Cop: “Is your license plate number XXXXX?”
Me: “Yeah.”
Cop: “(clearly agitated) Well then your car is on fire. Go out to your car now please, we’re waiting.”
This is the only time in my life I ever wanted to see Ashton Kutcher. I was hoping that geriatric banging son-of-a-bitch punk’d me good. After jogging 4 blocks to my car, it dawned on me that Ashton would not be punk’ing me, and that my car had indeed caught on fire.
One fireman told me this sort of thing happens all the time. I asked another fireman what the cause was, and he told me he didn’t know because it’s pretty rare for a car to catch on fire on its own. Thanks assholes. After getting the car towed and contacting my insurance, a cop decided to give me a ride back to my dorm.
Cop: “So what are you planning on doing today?”
Me: “Off the record, I have a bottle of Vodka and I’m probably going to drink my sorrows away.”
Cop: “I feel you, and I’ll make you a deal. If you get arrested, I’ll let you go, just for tonight though, and only if the charge is minor consumption or public intoxication.”
Me: “I appreciate it.”
Cop: “And here’s my card, campus cops don’t do shit on the weekdays, so if you ever need a ride to Wal-Mart, that’s my number.”
* We pulled up to the dorm and there was a large group of people loitering outside.
Cop: “Do you know any of these people?”
Me: “A few, but it’s one of our ‘Days On Campus’, I think they’re mostly parents visiting the school.”
Cop: “You wanna have some fun with them?”
Me: “Uhh sure, I guess I could use a laugh.”
* The cop gets out and opens up my door
Cop: “(screaming) Get the hell out of here, and the next time I see you harassing baby squirrels I’m taking your ass in.”
At first I was disappointed, I was hoping he’d taser me so at the very least I’d be some internet sensation (like I’m not already, am I right or am I right people), but then I saw the look on all the parents faces. They were looking at me like I was walking around with my cock in my hand, which as it turns out I was, but that’s a completely different story. I had to walk past the group of confused and angry parents and I could have sworn I heard one of them say “Lord have mercy on your soul.” I never ended up calling the cop for a ride, but he will still go down as the coolest cop I’ve ever met.
Back in the dorm, I walked into my room and immediately poured a double shot. My roommate asked me why the cops called, I told him because my car caught on fire, and that I plan on drinking myself retarded. His unattractive girlfriend gave me a look of displeasure with her unattractive eyes, but my roommate assured me it was fine if I drank in the room. “Thanks Sam, but I didn’t need your fucking permission.” I was not in the best of moods. Five shots later I began roaming the hallway to regale people with my eventful tale, emphasizing the fact that I was Pakistani and that my car “blew up”. I for some reason couldn’t get over the comedic aspect of the situation. After growing tired of the mundane “man that sucks” reaction, I returned to my room to drink more, precisely 19 shots over the span of 3 hours. I then decided I would call up my friends and bless them with the opportunity to hear my sweet voice. If you are in my phonebook, there is a very good chance I called you:
Friend: “Hello.”
Me: “Guess why I’m drunk on a Sunday afternoon.”
Friend: “Because you’re an alcoholic?”
Me: “My car burned down.”
* I describe incoherently what happened
Friend: “I’m so sorry, are you okay?”
Me: “Yeah I’m good, I’m just calling to tell you we can’t be friends anymore. I won’t see you ever again and I’ll live a life of solitude. I’ll die alone, the only thing that will keep me company are my cats. I’ll name one of them after you.”
I do not remember the rest of the day. I know I ate pizza, I know I high-fived random people, I even contemplated drunk dialing my new Cop friend, but a good five hours of my life have been erased. Looking back, that car was a piece of shit, good riddance.