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Look, we all know you took HGH, and by you I mean every single MLB player. Honestly, I don’t give a shit. You know who enjoyed the “Steroid Era”? I did. It was fun watching Bonds and Sosa and McGuire hit every fucking ball they came in contact with out of the park. But you’ve been caught… It sucks, I don’t want to see honest people play the game legitimately, but that’s the way it has to be now. So please, just fucking admit it so we can move on. Even if you didn’t take steroids Clemens, no one is going to believe your ass anyways. Right now in the court of public opinion, you are a lying cheating sack of shit. Bonds and Sosa, ditto. Andy Pettite on the other hand, he’s an honest cheating sack of shit. Jose Canseco, who doesn’t love his wacky ass? You can’t win Clemens, if you honestly didn’t take steroids, tough shit. If you did take steroids, and we all know you did you fucking liar, then at least people will think you’re brave for being open about it. Maybe you can play it off to make it seem that you were determined to help your team as opposed to helping your own career you sack of shit. And who is Barry Bonds to deny using steroids, you could fit John McCain’s ego in that giant ‘roid filled head of his.
Everyone cheats, it’s not that big of a deal. I don’t think I’ve played an honest game of Monopoly in my life. I would back stab my own grand mother if it meant I got Boardwalk. But when I got caught, I didn’t deny any allegations. There were no grand juries or indictments. I got caught, threw the board game at the wall in a fit of rage, wished death upon everyone, then took a nap. It made me a better person, that’s for sure. But since I’m being so judgmental, I should come clean too. I’ve used performance enhancing drugs to write for this website. I know, shocking right? A little bit of LSD, heroin, peyote, shit I’m high on crack right now as a matter of fact.
Wouldn’t it be some ironic shit if Roger Clemens tested negative for steroids, but positive for crack? A new phenomenon would sweep the nation as high school athletes smoke crack to get better at baseball. But then 10 years later you find out that Roger Clemens really was on HGH, they just fucked up the results, but now you have this new generation of athletes smoking crack. The MLB would be saturated with a bunch of crack heads, as we move past the “Steroid Era” and enter the “Crack Head Era”. Pitchers hurling fastballs at a blazing 22 MPH, batters batting .040, players having seizures in the dugouts. As much as I love baseball that would make it far more entertaining. So in closing, go Cubs.