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Why are old people so old, and wrinkly, and old? Have you ever been to a nursing home, it’s the only place in the world where you can smell impending death. It smells a lot like urine and prune juice, with a dash of decrepitness. Now I’d love to sit here and bitch about how they can’t drive and all that clichéd bull shit, but those angles have been beaten with a dead horse. So much so, I am convinced the only people that like old people are other old people. Can you name someone old you like other than your grand parents? If you answered yes to that question and are under the age of 65, you are a liar liar, and like a burn victim, your pants are on fire.
“But Karim, how can you say that about old people, you’ll eventually be old.” The hell I am, when I turn 65 I’ll do the decent humane thing and shoot myself in the face. If I make it to 65, and the way I live my life that’s a pretty big if, chances are I won’t be contributing shit to society. In the prime of my life, at the virile age of 20, the best I can do is some horse shit unoriginal website, what the fuck can I possibly offer at 65? Wisdom? Fuck that, I didn’t make a lifetime worth of mistakes so some young wise ass can benefit from it, I’m taking my wisdom to the grave. Money? Fuck off, I worked my entire life so I can finally spend my money on things that mean something to me, i.e. drugs and hookers. Companionship? If you think I’m unpleasant now, wait till you see me when I’m senile and couldn’t give a shit.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that old people are worthless, what I’m trying to say is that old people are SO worthless that we should institute a policy where if you make it past 65, you get shot in the face. Now I understand it would be hard to market such a harsh rationale, but since society is inherently stupid I figured a few catchy slogans would sway public opinion.
“If you’re old and awry, it’s time for you to die.”
“Past the age of sixty-five, it’s time for you to take a dive.”
“I don’t know what you’ve been told, but you can’t live because you’re old.”
And my favorite
“If you’re old, then we’ll fucking shoot you in the face.”