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Now I know I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m fairly certain most people can remember the first time they saw porn and/or masturbated. As shameless as I am, I don’t think I’m pretty enough to talk about the latter while holding your interest, so let’s talk about the first time I saw porn.
I was nine years old and in the third grade. Up to this point, I had a rough idea of what sex was and how babies are conceived. I knew that it consisted of a man and a woman, I knew it involved genitals (I had been told this by my friend Mark, although in retrospect his description of the female genitalia was sketchy at best), but the inner workings were still a mystery. All I had to go off of were sexual innuendos made on various sitcoms and cartoons. Mark was a year older than me and I soaked up as much knowledge about the subject as possible, but didn’t feel satisfied with how much I knew. I needed to know more.
As a child my parents rarely left me home alone, they either took me with them on their errands or left me under the watchful eye of my brother. But one day while I was home sick and my brother was at school, my mom went to the bank and left me unattended. I was watching a rerun of Gullah Gullah Island and got bored, so I wandered around the house. I ended up in my parent’s bedroom, where I was in for quite the treat. Every time I had been in my parent’s bedroom up until now, I noticed that their dresser had one locked door. I was always curious as to what was in there, candy, toys, possibly a twin brother, I didn’t know what they would keep locked up. Today however, the lock was not present, and my curiosity was piqued.
I opened the door to find three VHS tapes. I didn’t even read the titles and pushed them aside, a decision I would later regret. I was then greeted with a magazine, a Hustler to be specific. For those of you that aren’t aware, Hustler is the poor man’s Playboy, there’s no sophistication whatsoever. It’s raunchier and more vulgar than your run of the mill porno magazine. I noticed the women on the cover were doing lewd and lascivious things, and knew right away that I was holding something that I shouldn’t be holding. I began to flip through the pages, and began soaking it all in. I didn’t know exactly what I was seeing, but I knew that I liked it.
It should be pointed out that Hustler is not something that you should start off with. Going straight to Hustler is like doing Differential Equations without knowing Calculus (my first ever Engineering joke). I didn’t know the basic mechanics of conventional sex, and I was already on to double penetration and anal. A child’s first notion of sex shouldn’t be three guys and a midget fucking a clown without a leg. It dawned on me that my mom would be returning soon, and I didn’t have too much time to dwell on one particular aspect of what I was looking at. I wanted to know enough to be able to describe it to my friends, and I memorized certain buzzwords like “cunt” and “twat” and “gooch”.
For a week I was king of the playground. I would gladly explain what I saw in great detail, even going so far as to make shit up because I knew I had earned enough credibility to not be questioned. I single handedly corrupted the minds of my 30 classmates. Thanks Dad, I owe you one